What’s Wrong With Submissive men?

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Good boy.

One of the big arguments that I have come across does not even come from the male perspective. It comes from the females. Women will often complain that they do not want FemDom because they do not wish to mother their men.

This is a complaint that comes from uninformed individuals. Aside from cases where a man would have an actual or unhealthy attraction to his mother, such a thing should not be a cause for concern.

First of all, you will never be his mother. It is impossible and he knows this as well. Such a concern is not justified to belong toward FemDom. A mother will typically care for, discipline, as well as do things for the child. The mothers does this for the child simply because he will not be able to care for himself otherwise. FemDom is not meant to mimic this. FemDom is based off of a certain level of stratification that places the supportive role on the male. A submissive man will not want to be tucked in, spoon fed, and pampered like an infant. He will want to be lead firmly and lovingly so that he can be at his best as an adult, not a child.

Second, any feelings that he may have toward women being in charge are natural. They do not hinder his ability to be what you want him to be as well. He may be tall, strong, reliable, and providing. He will have the capabilities as the “regular man” desired by these opposing women. The only difference is that he will want to be able to come home and know exactly how he should resent himself for your approval.

He will want to know how to avoid your anger and exactly how to apologize for transgression.

He will want you, in all of your strengths and weaknesses.

He will want to learn your desires and your rejections.

He will want to be his best for you.

So, tell me. What is wrong with submissive men?

–Miss Ari ^_^

Bad Advice Part 4: Strap-on Play (the Concept)

nets and heels

This post may be very closely related to another post of mine where I discuss some of the ideas that I consider to be problematic in FemDom literature. Most (if not all) of the bad advice associated with strap-on play comes from erotic stories.

There are a number of sites (“vanilla” and “kinky” alike) that offer advice for anal play but, some how, as soon as the idea is introduced into a FemDom story, all precaution is forgotten.

That said, safety is not even the biggest issue in these stories. The biggest issue is a false representation of FemDom. In a majority of the FemDom stories I have read, strap-on’s are portrayed as a way to stand in for something that the dominant woman lacks. A penis.

I am not at all stating that there is anything wrong with having such an organ, but there certainly is something wrong with the idea that the lack of one is looked down upon. By this definition, every woman is made to seem inadequate and the only way that she can be truly dominant, is by means of a false phallus.

I will admit that this reasoning is hard to detect at first. I first noticed it when I read a phrase in a short story where the Dominant Woman states that she is sorry that she doesn’t have anything for him to swallow. (just imagine the context)

Why should she be sorry for something like that? How could she feel the need to apologize for not being a man? This is not at all what FemDom is about. FemDom is about fulfilling the will of the female. If that will includes her enjoying him in this way, then that is her decision. The strap-on is a tool of convenience for the woman. It is not a way for the woman to seek her dominance through taking on the form of a man.

–Miss Ari ^_^

 

P.S. Not all FemDom literature experiences are bad ones. Here is a link to a short story that I did enjoy, sent to me by one of my blog’s followers. Enjoy.

P.P.S. For stories from my personal relationship, see my other blog.

 

Drawing lines: Dom/sub versus Sadist/masochist

ripped hosieryDrawing lines seems to a popular obsession in contemporary society. We must be black or white, religious or not, happy or sad, the list goes on. 

But as popular as it is, it is not easy. Drawing lines takes way more effort than some of us are willing to give. Drawing lines can lead to conflict where there should be peace. And the worst part is that it carries over into the most intimate parts of our lives, especially our sexuality.

Looking specifically at the concepts of Dominant submissive relationship, it is easy to assume where to add in different “kinks” and it seems that a lot of people like to add sadomasochistic relationships into the mix. I can see how this makes sense. FemDom brings about a powerful power exchange that sometimes factors pain into the pleasure, right? Well, here is where we go wrong, because right about now we begin trying to draw the lines.

FemDom is hard for a lot of women to get into because about the third concern is, “but I ‘like it rough’.” Now, the line is drawn here, where we believe that ‘liking it rough’ makes you sadistic (or at least lean towards the sadistic side). A terrible line to draw, really, because it can get into a dominant woman’s head and make her second guess her dominance because she likes for him to nibble her neck. 

This is also an issue for submissive men, who like to line draw. Sometimes men instinctively show their passion with firm embraces or “rough housing” of the like, but this is not always a sadistic impulse. And line drawing is dangerous here, because it can create cognitive dissonance in “slaves” who will begin to feel terrible that their needs aren’t submissive like they thought they were.

Sadism should not be tied to a specific relationship role, as it often is. Instead, wants should be assigned to each person on their own terms. They should be thought through and decided without the influence of the many social lines. And instead of focusing on how much sense it makes, for the one with the whip to be the sadist, we could simply focus on matching needs.

Matching the Dominant woman that demands to have a few scratch marks of her own, with the submissive man who would be honored to give them to her. Not because of any expectations, or doubts, or lines. But because it is mutually fulfilling.

–Miss Ari ^_^

Bad Advice pt 2: Domme Attitude

Being a 'Domme" does not mean that I stop being ME.

Being a ‘Domme” does not mean that I stop being ME.

Pressure is all around us; the pressure to have a ‘good’ job, the pressure to have ‘good’ relationships, the pressure to look ‘good’ weighs heavily on our shoulders in modern day society. And sometimes, it feels like women getting into FemDom, are jumping out of one pool of social pressure and right into another one.

I’ve seen this happen a lot to women that don’t understand FemDom, because they believe that in order to be the dominant partner in a relationship, they need to have a certain attitude. In modern society, a woman who takes charge is sometimes called bossy, controlling, or even ‘bitchy’. Most woman correlate having this attitude with being a dominant woman and they will believe that they cannot be dominant without being mean.

This is the thought frame especially with women that are introduced to FemDom by their partners. When their partner says that he wants her to dominate him, she hears that he wants her to be brutal and cruel to him. This is sometimes what the man wants, but most of the time, it is not what he means. The problem is, most women are unable to imagine being dominant and keeping their same personality, but it is possible.

It is possible to behave like you normally behave and only be controlling in time frames that you know you can handle. And it is also possible to not really change at all. This post will be a contrast to all of the bad advice out there and it will be prof that you can keep your same personality and be dominant.

Your personality might be sweet.lolita couple

That’s completely okay! Don’t be mean just because you think that it is what you are supposed to do. You can be sweet and kind to everyone around you. You can also be firm with your instruction and feminine while putting him in his place where he so desperately wants to be.

You may be the quiet type.malaysian_fashion

That’s fine too. I’ve seen so many women try and pretend to be obnoxious and bossy because that is what they think it means to be dominant. And for so many, this is just not their personality. 

When you pretend to be something you are not, it makes you hate your self, it makes you feel as if the only way you can fulfill your desires is to turn into something that you do not want to be. Being dominant does not have as many rules as you may think. 

You should be a bit more demanding, but whether that means that you are loud and obnoxious or quiet and seductive is your choice. You should take control of your relationship, but whether that makes you mean and ‘bitchy’ or sweet and confident is also your choice.

It’s always your choice. You are the dominant one after all.

–Miss Ari ^_^

If You Are a Dominant Woman, Then Why Are You Single?

Lolita is a fashion style that I have always been interested in. So sweet, but demands respect.

Lolita is a fashion style that I have always been interested in. So sweet, but demands respect.

I cannot even pretend that I was amused throughout this actual conversation that I had with a ‘friend’ of mine. Her point was simple; If being a dominant woman is so great, then why are you still single?

This is by far not the most ignorant thing that I have ever heard, but it is pretty damn close. This statement was probably the equivalent to,

“If America is so great, why aren’t you famous yet?”

Or,

“If you like eggs so much, why don’t you own a chicken farm?”

Knowing someones preferences does not give you the right to expect to see a certain behavior from them.

Just because I am dominant, does not mean that I will automatically never be alone. A dominant woman is still a woman, with feelings and flaws and preferences and any confident woman will think wisely about a relationship instead of behaving based on a desperate need to not be alone. 

My current single status does not make me a bad domme, just like a vanilla woman’s single status would not make her a lesbian.

In my case, I have recently moved. I am in a new environment with new people and I have decided that for now I will take my love life one day at a time and see where it takes me. It does not mean that I am unsure about being dominant and it certainty does not mean that I am questioning mu ability to fulfill my desires.

But setting aside my frustrations with my friend, i would like to point out that asking someone why they are single is rude no matter what their preferences are. 

These are all things that I wish I had said to my friend. Now that I think about it, the thing that I actually said was just fighting fire with fire. 

It went something like this: “Since you are so obviously intrigued by my dominant desires, then why aren’t you dominant yet?”

–Miss Ari ^_^

Bad Advice Part 1: Corporal Punishment

"You've been such a good little submissive this past week. According to a blog I read, I am supposed to whip you anyway."

“You’ve been such a good little submissive this past week. According to a blog I read, I am supposed to whip you anyway.”

I like to think that it is alright to have a little bit of bad advice out there on the net; everyone likes to laugh. But, some things should not get by without being critiqued.

For this reason I have decided to start a series of posts that address the bad advice that I have found.

This week, I will be writing about some of the bad advice on corporal punishment.

First piece of bad advice: Punishment is essential in a FemDom relationship

Obviously it is a large part of this kind of life style, but I have heard so many people say that you can’t get by without it And I highly disagree. The entire basis of a FemDom relationship is that the woman makes decisions and if the woman does not feel like carrying out a scheduled lashing, then she should not have to feel pressured to do so.

2: It doesn’t work unless you…

I am sure you can think of a million ways to finish this sentence. Punishment doesn’t work unless you do it on a scheduled basis, unless you make him count the cane strokes, or unless you verbally abuse him while doing it. I’d just like to point out that ten paddles are ten paddles, whether your hands are tied behind your back or not.

3: You need the toys

Floggers, paddles, whips, canes, and riding crops are all fun to play with (if you are into it), but they are not necessary. Don’t let someone else’s ideas get into your head. If you think that the toys are unappealing, then you don’t have to use them.

4: It means you’re sadistic

There seems to be no middle ground on the internet. You are either a sweet innocent good girl, or an evil sadistic crime against nature. If you are sadistic, there is nothing wrong with that, provided you are with someone who enjoys your type of play. However, using the back of a hair brush on your lover, does not make you sadistic.

Contrary to what you will read in most BDSM stories, not every woman gets aroused during a punishment session, and not every woman needs to inflict pain in order to have a good time.

5: It means he is a masochist

I understand the reasoning for this one. Any man that would let a woman whip him has to be a masochist, right? Actually, it is not right. Men can get aroused simply by observing his woman’s arousal. If the woman is turned on, then sometimes so is he, and it has little to do with the physical pain. Or he may not like the punishment, but he loves the power that I have over him and he loves the fact that I was able to punish him if I wanted to. It’s not the pain that he loves, it was the passion.

I am sure there are many more myths and bad advice about punishment, but for now, I am done.

Feel free to make any bad advice post requests that you may have in the comments.

–Miss Ari ^_^