What Kind of Sexy?

"Compared to others, I make sexy appear effortless. But in truth, everyone else is trying too hard anyway."

“Compared to others, I make sexy appear effortless. But in truth, everyone else is trying too hard anyway.”

In most western societies, young girls are taught that a good girl does not “act sexy”. This seems as if it would be a simple enough concept but things were still a tad confusing for me.

I am sure that I was not alone in wondering why “looking sexy” was so important when you were not allowed to act it. Upon questioning my mother about the topic she laughed softly and said. “Real women don’t act sexy. They ARE sexy.” (My mother was notorious for not explaining what she meant).

Now I was thoroughly confused. Not only was society giving me a double standard, but the person that I went to on order to clear things up, did not use the terminology the same way as mass media did. However, it took a few years before I was able to realize this.

What MaMa was saying, was that sexy is a product of mind frame and behavior. When a woman ACTS in a self loving and confident manner, then she IS sexy. When she has knowledge of how her body effects men, and can still ACT conservative or respectfully, then she IS sexy. This type of sexy is based on respect that can be acquired when a woman can behave a certain way along with her physically attractive features.

Now armed with a conclusion of what she meant, I came to the realization that the “popular sexy” attempted to skip the things that come before sexy. In this way, sexy means being promiscuous and dressing to reveal as much as possible.

Most women, if critiqued, will argue that this second kind of sexy is the only way to get a mans attention. (I always find it humorous when people argue my point for me.)

You see, the second kind of sexy may attract a mans attention, but that is all that it will attract. It will not attract his respect, admiration, or desire to please you. It will only attract a fleeting infatuation that will leave you in the same position that you began with.

It is acceptable to feel that you are sexy, and know that you are sexy, and even to act sexy. In simply depends on what kind of sexy.

–Miss Ari ^_^

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Taking Notice

Pay attention my dear. Or you will miss something very important... and I will be displeased.

Pay attention my dear. Or you will miss something very important… and I will be displeased.

I like to think of being the author of a blog as being just like any other author. (Hopefully) you write because you like to, and 70% of the time it’s fantastic! (10% of the time you get to enjoy writers block) But 20% of the time you realize that what you write down may only make sense to you.

Your readers may be fans of your work; they may comment on their favorite part. But the odds are that they will not read your work and think the same things that you did when you wrote it.

I started this blog because in May 2014 I did an internet search using only the word “FemDom”. Can you guess what the search results were? They were porn. Almost every single one of them. And a lot of them were cruel depictions of pain, anger, spite, and torment in the name of revenge. It is no wonder FemDom is not wide spread, because this is what it looks like to people who would conduct the internet search.

With that said, I would like to draw the attention of my readers to a few things.

I hope that you all will take notice that…

This blog is NOT porn. I attempt to post images that depict FemDom without blatant nudity. And I do this on purpose. FemDom is not solely about sex and so there should be a place for FemDom to be discussed in a practical or sensual sense.

This blog is NOT violence. I do not promote physical disfigurement or excessive violence, and again I do this for a reason. Because such acts of “play” can only exist in fantasy for a small period of time. And accomplishes little real domination. Such intensity can no longer be called sensual and it, therefore, has no home on this blog.

This blog is NOT abuse. I do not suggest relationships where submissive men are used by women who only wish to harm them. So much happens before, during, and after any type of pain that the submissive receives and I hope to explain it all. On this log, submission is a form of strength and it is valued.

Lastly, this blog IS a place that I hope will reach many people and help them come above the ideas that may scare the away from FemDom. And if I don’t reach anyone else… At least I have reached you 🙂

–Miss Ari ^_^

Bad Advice Part 1: Corporal Punishment

"You've been such a good little submissive this past week. According to a blog I read, I am supposed to whip you anyway."

“You’ve been such a good little submissive this past week. According to a blog I read, I am supposed to whip you anyway.”

I like to think that it is alright to have a little bit of bad advice out there on the net; everyone likes to laugh. But, some things should not get by without being critiqued.

For this reason I have decided to start a series of posts that address the bad advice that I have found.

This week, I will be writing about some of the bad advice on corporal punishment.

First piece of bad advice: Punishment is essential in a FemDom relationship

Obviously it is a large part of this kind of life style, but I have heard so many people say that you can’t get by without it And I highly disagree. The entire basis of a FemDom relationship is that the woman makes decisions and if the woman does not feel like carrying out a scheduled lashing, then she should not have to feel pressured to do so.

2: It doesn’t work unless you…

I am sure you can think of a million ways to finish this sentence. Punishment doesn’t work unless you do it on a scheduled basis, unless you make him count the cane strokes, or unless you verbally abuse him while doing it. I’d just like to point out that ten paddles are ten paddles, whether your hands are tied behind your back or not.

3: You need the toys

Floggers, paddles, whips, canes, and riding crops are all fun to play with (if you are into it), but they are not necessary. Don’t let someone else’s ideas get into your head. If you think that the toys are unappealing, then you don’t have to use them.

4: It means you’re sadistic

There seems to be no middle ground on the internet. You are either a sweet innocent good girl, or an evil sadistic crime against nature. If you are sadistic, there is nothing wrong with that, provided you are with someone who enjoys your type of play. However, using the back of a hair brush on your lover, does not make you sadistic.

Contrary to what you will read in most BDSM stories, not every woman gets aroused during a punishment session, and not every woman needs to inflict pain in order to have a good time.

5: It means he is a masochist

I understand the reasoning for this one. Any man that would let a woman whip him has to be a masochist, right? Actually, it is not right. Men can get aroused simply by observing his woman’s arousal. If the woman is turned on, then sometimes so is he, and it has little to do with the physical pain. Or he may not like the punishment, but he loves the power that I have over him and he loves the fact that I was able to punish him if I wanted to. It’s not the pain that he loves, it was the passion.

I am sure there are many more myths and bad advice about punishment, but for now, I am done.

Feel free to make any bad advice post requests that you may have in the comments.

–Miss Ari ^_^

 

Culture Blocks: Asian shy is not American shy

"Oh, Kinate, it makes me blush when your slave looks at me like that! Can I sit on his face?"

“Oh, Kinate, it makes me blush when your slave looks at me like that! Can I sit on his face?”

Asian stereotypes are funny; especially when they are so very wrong. The funniest stereotype that I have heard so far is that Asian women are submissive… What?

At first I assumed that this was simply a lie that got very far out of hand, but when you ask people their reason for this way of thinking, they will almost always explain something along the lines of Eastern Asian women are submissive because they have so many shy characteristics.

I was talking to a Caucasian friend of mine when I finally realized that this was simply a false correlation. Because in American culture, woman + shy = submissive.

In America, shy is “having or showing nervousness or timidity in the company of other people.” American shy is afraid to be in a leader position. American shy is docile and submissive to anyone who is more ‘outgoing’ than them. American shy is a bad thing, and there are even classes that you can take to get rid of shyness.

Asian shyness is not the same kind of shyness. We will use Japanese for an example of Asian shyness. In Japan, shy is not timid, shy is polite. Shy is being conservative in manner until you are more acquainted with the person. Shy is thinking about what you are going to say before you say it instead of rudely talking over other people in a conversation. Asian shy is not American shy.

A Japanese mans online dating profile may include that he is looking for a shy woman. He will say that shy women are more desirable because shy is a sign that the woman is very educated, sophisticated, and intelligent. This is not at all what an American man would mean if he said the same thing.

Now I am not saying that every Asian woman is not shy, because i do not now every Asian woman, but if i were doing the stereo typing, you would be surprised at what i would say.

First of all i would say that Asian women are dominant by tradition. I would proceed to explain a traditional set up of a Japanese marriage.

On the outside what you would see is that the man makes the most money in the household. But if you were ever able to see the inside of a Japanese marriage, you would see that the mans money goes into one bank account that the woman controls. The woman manages all of the finances and gives her husband an allowance to go out drinking with his friends after a hard day of work. The woman decides how the children are raised, where the children go to school and what they will study. The woman of the house control the household. It is humorously matriarchal in a country that is supposed to be a patriarchy.

Keep in mind that these women are all considered ‘shy’. It may resemble the type of shyness that we so despise here in America but it is not the same at all.

American shy is looked down upon and seen as submissive. Asian shy is classy and dominant.

–Miss Ari ^_^

A Word About Erotic FemDom Stories

flickr domme heelsI can see the use for FemDom literature and I have written and read my fair share of Literotica or the BDSMLibrary, or what have you, but i always seem to see similar problems in these stories. (Warning: this post may be a bit of a rant)

Number one# There is little creativity

FemDom stories seem to come in limited types, black mail, spontaneous dream come true, I’ve read them all and I am getting a little bored.

Number two# The Dommes don’t ask this question

“Do you belong to anyone?” Just a little pet peeve that I have, and that I see a lot is when a Domme finds a submissive man and forces him into activities without first considering if he is someone else’s property. I don’t mind pushing to the front of the crowd but people tend to get upset when you have to step on their toes. This kind of thing in reality could cause a lot of social drama.

Number three# The women don’t have good reason

I guess this plays back into Number One. the creativity in this area is pitiful. A woman getting back at her cheating partner, a colleague she hates, or  something else of the sort. Very rarely do I read a story where the woman decides to dominate a man because she actually likes him.

Number four# There is no after care

A scene plays out, the woman dominates the man, and then just leaves him there lying on the ground or even still tied up. I’ve read many of these stories and I can’t say that I have enjoyed them. The women in these stories obviously don’t care that their “temporary slave” is also a person who, most likely, is completely mind blown by what just happened. I personally do not like the idea of casual BDSM but if I did participate in it, in real life, leaving a person in subspace can have fatal impacts on their psychological mind.

Number five# The man falls in love with someone he does not know

Just to piggy back off of the last one, in these stories the two (or sometimes more) people don’t know each other before they start a scene. For the submissive, the scene is emotional and the subspace that they experience can bring about an attachment to the woman who not only is basically a stranger, but also does not feel the same way. As a responsible Domme, you should be careful who you play with in order to prevent a Fatal Attraction.

These are only five of the things that I have found and i am sure that i’ll do a follow up post with more examples. It really bothers me, though, because it is all for entertainment and obviously most people know better, but for the people who don’t know better, or are just getting into BDSM, they might take these stories as realities. Accidents will happen and as an author, I would not want to be responsible.

–Miss Ari ^_^

 

For stories from my personal relationship, see my other blog.

 

What kind of Domme are you?

"Don't let my Kimono fool you. If you are going to hit on me, you must do it on your knees!"

“Don’t let my Kimono fool you. If you are going to hit on me, you must do it on your knees!”

Definitely a question that I wish people would ask more often. So many people are plagued with the idea that if you are a dominant woman, you must be wearing a leather corset under your blouse and carrying a whip in your purse.

I think perhaps it is that people are confusing these woman with a dominatrix. Just because I am sexually aggressive in bed does not mean that I wear these.

No way I am going to stand up in these.

No way I am going to stand up in these.

Yes, it is true that a huge element of FemDom is dressing the part, but everyone seems to think that there is only one way to do this. To quote a blog that I admire, “And I’ll play wearing fuzzy slippers if I damned well want to!”

I actually do not own a pair of fuzzy slippers, but you will get the idea. If I tell you that I am a domme, it is rude to assume that I dress and behave a certain way.

Malaysian FemDom attire looks like this.

flower shirt meichinmyblog

Its always beautiful, always sexy, and this particular outfit looks rather comfortable. Going by the way people think dominant women are supposed to dress, this woman is not supposed to be dominant.

But the truth is, there are many types of dommes. Some like business attire, some dress like geisha’s, some like to dress like biker girls, some like to dress like gothis ballerina’s, some like to dress like this…

Haha, i am just kidding... sort of ^o^

Haha, i am just kidding… sort of ^o^

And some just like to dress normal… go figure.

Just because I don’t wear leather pants during a ‘session’, doesn’t make me any less dominant than the next woman. And if I did decide to conform to what I think a dominant woman is supposed to wear, then it wouldn’t be called an alternative lifestyle, would it?

…Just a thought.

–Miss Ari ^_^